Below I have pasted sections from my MA thesis that delve deeper into parts one and two.
There is a silence that is beyond and deeper than the sacred origin of all sound and thus creation. There is a silence so profound and deep that it cannot even be articulated. These silences are often initiated by a wounding that is preverbal and primal. In a way, there are no words that can convey or sum up this wounding. Knuckles hitting the table to the irregular and irrational beat to a Seguiriyas is the first attempt. The second attempt is someone said once ‘Your scars in time become your marks of victory, but not without pain and paying a cost’ and ‘That it’s through anger that we develop our relationship to truth.’ Daemonic like death has been largely ignored and dismissed, but is central to existence and needs reclaiming. This implies that daemonic wounding is very deliberate and not an ‘accident’ by any means. But a necessary wounding to ‘move’ the human dilemma.
It is ironic that in a Western patriarchal society, the father is very absent. This has sent cultural messages that in human development the father is not needed. As a consequence, this has contributed to small research into the impact, role and importance of ‘fathers’ not just in human development but also in ‘Wise fathers of Society.’ So, the absent father is accentuated. Using heuristic enquiry to evoke both, the damage and potential to the human dilemma [tragedy] to shift by way of grinding and struggling with and for what has been lost. Just as the mother is important, the father is also important, for similar and different reasons. In short, the father has to also be accounted for if there is any possibility for the human tragedy to ‘move on’.
Thesis Title; You are Nosisy in Your Absence; A Heuristic Inquiry in Facing The Unknown Father
Review of Literature
A Philosophical Account of Diving into the Abyss
“The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky [1880 - The Brothers Karamazov]
The abyss, like any gaping hole, is ultimately beyond comprehension and its depth unfathomable. However, this gaping hole that pierces existence that only reveals itself when the ‘solid’ and ‘concrete’ ground beneath our feet begins to separate presents an opportunity, a possibility to take ‘the leap into faith’. Kierkegaard [1844] stated that anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. But for what purpose? Heidegger [1926] states that being ‘thrown’ into existence where we share our fate with all and the world that could otherwise be anything else is no easy task to wrestle with. There is no rule book and humanity are left to its own devices to ‘make sense’ of it. Yalom [1980] argues existence is ultimately unknowable, and unpredictable without any grand design or guidelines that prescribe any foundations to stand on. May [1969] states that in archaic Greece daemon is used interchangeably with Theos [Theo derived from Ancient Greek meaning god] and fate. For May [ibid] eros was a daemon, however, Moran [2005] differentiates eros from daemon. Moran [ibid] expands on fate and describes ‘The Daemonic God’ as a pathos, meaning our destiny lies in how we face up to and deal with our fate but there is no exit, all escape plans and routes have been destroyed. Moran [2004] argues that in time wrestling with our fate, the abyss ‘becomes’ the dwelling place; the choice to ‘get out of bed’ is meaningful in itself. Frankl [1959] stated that each person is questioned by life; and the only answer that anyone can give to life is to answer for their own life, with responsibility. In this light, the abyss is a daemonic calling. This task is immense, not guaranteed but necessary to address and understand the difficulty in wrestling with untangling loss and abandonment.
Becker [1973] argues that culture and societal norms are false hero systems. That a great deal of societal ‘standards’ are designed to persuade society to ‘buy’ into a false sense of immortality. This division and oppression indirectly steer us to not gape into the abyss that questions the very fabric of existence. May [1969] living with the daemon is difficult, meaning because it destroys the purely rationalistic and opens the person to possibilities he did not know he possessed. Becker [1975] argued that man is still a tool of others because he has not developed self-reliance and full independent insides. However, this comes at a price. Fromm [1964] concludes that most aggression stems from deprivation, cheated, robbed and withheld of love. Therefore, Becker [1975] states from a Marxist approach that if ‘life denying’ institutions in ‘modern’ society radically changed, this would facilitate a new breed of humans to manifest.
Nietzsche [1901] stated that the most basic human desire is our drive for power. Like Freud, Nietzsche [ibid] illustrated a discrepancy between the reality of being human versus how we like to see ourselves. Identity [Idem derived from Latin meaning the same] According to Welwood [1983] forging an identity is forging an attempt to forge ‘sameness’ or consistency, an attempt to avoid the experience of our world collapsing. Camus [1955] echoing Kierkegaard [1941] illustrated in ‘The Myth of Sisyphus’ that existence is absurd. Camus [1955] further argued that the contention between yearning for meaning and the world's apparent indifference gradually begins to forge a new life meaning; by revering our ‘nights in despair.’ Sartre [1955] also famous for his unrelentless stance of existence ‘meaninglessness’ arrived at a similar conclusion. His play ‘The Flies’ [Les Mouches], can be described as a pilgrimage to meaning. Frankl [1959] reminds us that meaning can be found when confronted with a fated situation. This implies therefore that a deeper meaning is to be ‘discovered’ but it is not a given. Frankl [ibid] further argues that if there is no meaning in suffering then there is no meaning to survive and ultimately argues that life would not be worth living at all. Therefore, the challenge is that triumphs, battles and results are not ‘attained’ but are continuously wrestled with. That with persistent perseverance, ‘something’ worthwhile may be revealed over time in the dark.
Empirical and Psychotherapy Research
According to literature, it is evident that parental/key figures have significant roles throughout human development, from birth to death. However, it is also evident notably beginning from Lambs [1953] that the impact of both father’s presence and absence have largely been ignored. Bowlby [1969] addresses key phenomena; endings, loss and the need for a secure attachment base. But this is from the vantage point that it is ‘the mother’s responsibility to ensure ‘healthy development.’ Subsequently, if there are any pathological developments, the mother is blamed. This is also observed throughout object relations theory, notably Winncott's [1971] ‘The good-enough mother.’ Beginning from psychoanalysis, the impact of the father’s presence and absence is mentioned minimally. Apart from the Oedipal complex whereby the father is portrayed as a ‘competitor’ or threat to survival, there is hardly anything else. Traditionally at that time of psychoanalysis inception, most of the theorists were men. Yet the traditional stance of abstinence declares ‘I am in the room, but I am not in the room.’ The ‘expertise’ of being a male psychoanalyst who ‘knows’ exactly what is happening for clients carries an egoic superiority that is ‘power over the other’ that Howe [1965] and Fromm [1956] also illustrate. This ‘power over the other’ is illustrated by the politics explicitly at that time, yet continues today in ‘modern’ psychiatry. The woman’s place was in the home and the father was working. The father was superior, the mother inferior, yet the mother carried the responsibility for pathological developments. This power over the other transcends the individual. This is a collective and cultural ‘issue’, therefore difficult to pin down clear-cut ‘psychoanalytical causes.’ Adler [1928] stated the individual is a gateway to understanding the collective and the collective is a gateway to understanding the individual. Thus, psychotherapy literature is aware of the impact that the environment and society have on influencing and ‘shaping’ people. This implies a re-claiming of the father’s presence is crucial for human development. By visiting the affects of father's absence; developmental needs met with silence may illuminate an underlying thread as an initiation, a seeking of. Who am I? Where did I come from? How and why am I here? Where do I belong? Why am I lost? This study will attempt to articulate the sound of silence.
Nicholi [1983] identified similarities of affect between manifestations of father absence; separation, divorce and death of the father. This suggests that separation and divorce are also experienced as a loss. Bowlby [1969] demonstrates that endings and loss are indirect reminders of death. The loss of a father could indirectly contribute to a heightened awareness of impermanence, finitude and mortality. Mireault & Bond [1992] support this and found loss to be a risk factor for later maladjustment and contribute to later psychopathology. Vaillant [1985] suggests that if there was a secure attachment this would allow the child to internalise this parent. Bowlby [1982] states the inability to forge a secure attachment and thus a failure to internalise the lost object contribute more to psychopathology than the loss experience itself. This may suggest that absence and death anxiety are closely related.
Planalp and Braungart-Rieker [2016] argue that the child-father relationship develops differently compared to child-mothers, and in comparison, the child-father relationship is researched far less. However, Colman and Colman [1988] argue from a Jungian stance, that for humanity to continue growing, the animus and anima polarities must be integrated. Planalp and Braungart-Rieker [ibid] found that fathers engaged in more caregiving and play behaviours at a faster rate when they identified with their role as a father. However, it was found that fathers engaged in more play activities with their infants and young children than caregiving activities. This suggests mother's and fathers’ roles diverge and converge at certain points. Lamb [1953] argues that part of the father’s role is a communicative bridge between the home and the ‘outside’ social world, an exchange as symbolised through language. This implies that the father's absence would have an affect on interpersonal problems; skills-solving, mental health and adjustment. Lamb [1953] and Winnicott [1971] state that play is a way of learning social interaction, communication and problem-solving. Therefore, Planalp and Braungart-Rieker [ibid] suggest that the critical period in the formation of affect are school years. This further suggests that father deprivation is greatest when the absence begins in the formative years. Planalp and Braungart-Rieker [ibid] also identified that the child's temperament appeared to be determined by father involvement, indicating the higher the temperament the higher the absence. Marital conflict also appeared to influence the child’s responses: sadness, frustration and dysregulation. Seems the mother’s role is closer to the psychodynamic orientation of nurturing, giving of nourishment and safety. However, the father’s role seems to be part of a bridge from psychodynamic to the existential orientation of risk-taking, making a stand, protecting and leading.
What happens next when these mediatory needs as a bridge to society have not been fulfilled due to the father's absence? This raises questions on masculine identity or a lack of. Colman and Colman [1988] state that subsequently, we have degenerations of ‘feminine men’. Jung [1940/1969] illustrated the ‘Eternal Child’ [Puer aeternus Latin for eternal youth] as resistance to growing up and a desire to remain in the ‘paradise’ of youth well into adult years. In more psychoanalytic terms, a desire to return to the womb. However, this is complicated as what seems to have emerged is not ‘feeling men’ but the very opposite. There are splits on many levels. There is the disidentification with the ‘masculine’ as a refusal to grow up and a fantasy of the ‘good’ masculine code as ‘masculine father’ [identity] and splitting off the feminine as according to ‘masculine code’ feelings show ‘weakness.’ Kohut [1997] highlights that humans have a need to recreate earlier traumatic experiences of situations and relationships. This implies a possible dynamic in the transferential relationship as an expression of a yearning for unfulfilled needs. Becker [1975] highlights that existence is experienced as overwhelming and ‘too much,’ so we try to protect ourselves. But existence keeps reminding us of the abyss and so we keep trying again and again to fashion styles of defences feeding into perpetual cycles that constitute the Freudian ‘compulsion to repeat.
According to Evans & Wallace [2008], findings on masculine identity with prisoners argued that social constructions of masculine identity are empty constructs, described by Frosh, Phoenix and Pattman [2002] as ‘hardness.’ This is filled with external aspects; physical size, readiness, e.g. skills in fighting, power and domineering. Scase [1999] found that bravado stereotypes contribute to high suicide rates in males. Evans & Wallace [ibid] argue that incongruence between the intrapsychic experience and the expression permitted by societal ‘standards’ to their gender, men feel socially castrated to outlet painful and troubling feelings. Walker and Kushner [1999] state this creates an internal divide/splitting between a publicly performed self and their inner private world which adds to more emotional problems. Evans & Wallace [ibid] found violence becomes a way to deal with emotional pain. While talking about difficult feelings or seeking help threatens to lose masculine identity. Furthermore, Kilianski [2002] found that the undesired self was feminised while the ‘ideal self’ was masculinised. Evans and Wallace [2008] research findings support this and found a splitting between traditional ‘female’ [showing emotion] and hegemonic ‘maleness’ ways of relating. Suggesting that at the root of the splitting is fearing the ‘negative’ [female] masculinity from growing up fearing men. Evans & Wallace [2008] identified three distinct groups that emerged regarding prisoner’s masculine identity. Prisoners that demonstrated ‘hegemonic masculinity transformation’ were able to articulate and evaluate hegemonic codes having struggled with experiencing traumatic paternal relationship experiences growing up and internalising hegemonic masculine codes. Prisoners articulated masculine codes as a ‘prison within a prison.’ Having experienced turning point moments contributed to developing their insights.
Creative Synthesis
This research aimed to evoke the importance of internalising and integrating the shadow of ‘the unknown father,' 'whispering ‘it is time.’ There must be a marriage- a joining with between the masculine and feminine. Moran states patriarchal society is actually matrical in disguise.
Unravelling the anger is the beginning of understanding. Moran states that however that love is not enough adding we need anger and we need grief.
Key themes evoked from the research:
A] A robbed childhood; an absence that initiated having to ‘grow up’ too quickly. Ultimately this led to failure and the hurt caused to others as the lie eventually was exposed. The truth exposed is that the self through others [self-presevation] cannot be 'saved' regardless of how much the self resists, tries or insists. Before healthy separation can happen there seem to be needs that have to be fulfilled first. Being born at a particular time with a particular name speaks volumes. The spiritual implications of a person's name cannot be over-emphasised. Dancing with death can bring a sense of survivor's guilt but it can also evoke a sense of why was a person's life spared. Ultimately realising that our life is not in our hands.
B] Impact this has had on ways of relating [co-dependence, rescuing] because of underlying needs that were not fulfilled in childhood. So, there’s always a kind of gap, sometimes it manifests in a ‘lack’ of a response. The silence can become an agonising but ‘comfortable’ place. But it is only through relations with others that the irritation and toxicity it seems to evoke can it be worked through. Some of this silence is healthy, generally thinking before speaking but there is also something in the silence that manifests as being silenced because of being silenced. Not only by ‘the unknown father’ but also moulded by the mother who wanted the child to be the father she never had. This can be further complicated if the child is shamed when inevitably the child falls short.
C] Becoming more playful developing a sense of humour and learning to dance again. Sense of humour akin to Kierkegaard’s ‘When seeing the real world for the first time, began to laugh and have not stopped since.’ Existence in its absurdity is a joke that is only worth laughing about. But there is also an underlying seriousness to existence; otherwise, there would not be any meaning or purpose for psychotherapy.
Often wants contradict our needs. Desiring and wanting X Y and Z but what is sometimes needed is for the eggshell of the ego to be cracked and shattered. Paradoxically this may not lead to a ‘freedom’ from the past but a further journeying into the abyss that haunts and stalks all of life. But only then can the true, deep, everlasting radical change of 'turning over a new leaf' really occur. The agony of ‘The Unknown Father’ never really leaves. It is a paradoxical blessing if the daemon chooses to never leave. Yet ‘no man is an island.’
Fate may be determined but just like in the Baraja Espanola, destiny lies in how we play with the cards we are dealt.
'There is light, there is dark
Does the light create the dark?
Does the dark create the light?
In the battle of life and death, heaven and hell, eros and the daemonic, heroic and the unheroic, what must be lost to experience truth?
Is there an end?’ [2013]
Further Research and Practical Implications
Further research can build on the research of Evans and Wallace [2008] to further evoke the complex interplay between how a father’s absence and children are ‘passed’ on and possible associations between individual and cultural absence via conventional ‘masculine’ codes. In short, how do ‘masculine’ codes contribute to the father’s absence in a patriarchal culture and society?
Thus, the implications for counselling and psychotherapy are that as ‘the father’ [male therapist] becomes more available, this brings generations of absent fathers to the forefront, meanwhile tackling ‘masculine’ stigmas that prevent many men from accessing therapy to deal with their absence. Fortunately, the days of Freudian abstinence are numbered. But there is still a lot more work to do and so, the noisy absence continues.
Themes in this blog originate and are inspired by the writings of Jamie Moran